


Jesus Christ Superstar

by Owlwithafringe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A retelling of the Nativity, By Gabriel, Christmas, F/M, Humor, M/M, This Counts As A Sin, the nativity story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 04:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5524685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlwithafringe/pseuds/Owlwithafringe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Nativity Story as told by the Archangel Gabriel (after a few Eggnogs).</p><p>
  <i>“Gather around children and I shall tell you the tale of the first Christmas.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jesus Christ Superstar

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas everyone, and happy holidays to those who don't celebrate Christmas.

It was their first Christmas Day in the Bunker. 

Sam was happy enough not make a big deal of it however Dean had argued otherwise. They had something close to a home for the first time in a very long time and apparently comfy dead-guy robes weren’t the only thing about the Bunker that Dean wanted to take advantage of: the Impala was great and all, but you can’t exactly fit a Christmas tree in it.

Naturally Gabriel was more than a little enthusiastic about the festivities and Castiel was happy to do whatever he thought made Dean happy and thus the celebration of Christmas began in the Winchester household.

Presents were bought and wrapped, extravagant meals were prepared, crappy Christmas music and films had been played on repeat until Sam wanted to gauge his eyes out with sharpened candy canes, awkward gropes had been exchanged under mistletoe and Gabriel had somehow managed to get tinsel into places where Sam never ever should have tinsel. 

More than a few eggnogs, and four horrific Christmas jumpers later they found themselves lounging around the Christmas tree, sated from their feast and feeling a little sleepy from the warmth and the alcohol which is why no-one put up a fight when Gabriel sat up with purpose and began to speak.

“Gather around children and I shall tell you the tale of the first Christmas.”

“We’re already sat by you, jackass.” 

“Hush now little human,” Gabriel silenced Dean with a wave. “It was a long, long time ago somewhere far away where white people didn’t live. I mean c’mon guys, it was the Middle East. Jesus wasn’t white.”

“It’s true.” Castiel nodded solemnly from where he was sat, as slouched as Castiel could get, next to Dean.

“Anyway, there was this chick that went by the name of the Mary. Now Mary, she was a pretty standard run of the mill, girl next door type. She was engaged to her dream man, living a virtuous life until she tied the knot with her fella. I can respect her decision and all but damn, it must of been hard for Joseph because that girl was _smoking_ hot.”

“Did you just call the Virgin Mother, ‘smoking hot’?” Sam asked, an expression of disbelief on his face and the bells jingling on his antler headgear as he shook his head.

“No need to be jealous Sambo, you’re still the only one for me.” Gabriel replied with a wink. “Besides, she’s been dead for like 2,000 years.”

“Unbelievable.” Sam muttered with a small, reluctant smile. Gabriel took at a cue to carry on his story.

“So Mary was pretty average. That is until she was visited by a super rad angel with a message that would change her life forever.”

“Ok,” Dean complained, “This is starting to sound like a bad Soap Opera.” 

“You should be riveted then Deano, since we all know about your little trash tv issue.” Gabriel retorted before composing himself back into the facade of a storyteller. “This super rad angel, who was and still is the coolest angel in the entire universe-“

“Seriously?”

“-came to Mary with a message from the Big Cheese himself. She was to be blessed with a child who she was to call Jesus.”

“Really? No side comment there? No added narration?”

“Don’t even get me started. Knocking up a girl without her permission? That’s fucking creepy dude. I don’t care if you’re fucking God and she’s giving birth to mankind’s saviour. It’s pretty much rape. It’s the kind of guy I would’ve taught a lesson to as the Trickster. I’m an angel – we’re kinda big on the whole permission thing.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Dean commented absently.

“You’re welcome.”

“Yeah,” Dean replied glancing at Gabriel with a slightly curled lip, “I’m not exactly sure that I wanted to.”

“Anyway,” Gabriel continued, “Joseph was pretty pissed that someone has knocked up his girl and back then saying it was God was like saying George Clooney got some random chick preggers which we all know means she shagged the pool boy. Anyway, Joseph was throwing around all sorts of nasty words, until I breezed in and told him to take a dad damn chill pill. So I fill him in on the low-down because back then I was a good little messenger.”

“I can’t imagine you being a good little anything.” Sam pointed out with a smirk. 

“I can prove it later if you want.”

“Really guys?” Dean complained with a grimace, “We’re literally both right here. I do not need to see or hear that shit.” 

“Back to the story: it’s nine months down the line and Mary’s bigger than our damn Christmas tree and ready to blow but it turns out they gotta take a hike down to Bethlehem for a census or some stupid shit. Anyway, they load Mary onto a donkey and down they go the yellow brick road. When they get to Bethlehem, they can’t find anywhere to stay – “This one’s too big, this one’s too small, this one doesn’t have free wifi.” So, there they are; Mary’s water had just broken and the second coming is making his first coming and they’re out in the frickin’ street.”

“Lemme guess,” Dean drawls, “Some old inn keeper takes pity on them and lets them stay in the barn.”

“Spoilers!” Gabriel gasped dramatically. “You read ahead! If you can’t keep your spoilers to yourself, then I’ll just have to take your tongue.”

Dean lurched forward, nearly knocking a surprised Castiel over, who had been quite happily dozing on Dean’s shoulder. “You wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Gabriel challenged. Sam coughed loudly and decisively, drawing Gabriel’s attention away from the heated staring match with Dean.

“Ah yes. Where was I? Mary and Joseph are slumming it in the barn and Mary’s pushing out Jesus Christ Superstar. Meanwhile some interesting shit is going down. Some wise men getting high in the desert see a star and are like, ‘dude, we should totally follow the star. I hear there’s a pot of gold at the end.’ So they get on their camels and follow it despite the fact they’re as high as balls and are probably just tripping out.”

“Wait, so the wise men were stoners?”

“What did you think ‘wise men’ meant? And quit interrupting my story. Back to the point. So, there were some Sheppard’s chilling on a hill with their sheep. Then the raddest angel in existence appeared to them, and told them they must visit the baby Jesus. Why? No reason, I was just bored and thought it’d be funny to see if they’d walk all those miles to see a baby they didn’t care about just because I told them to. And they totally did. Dumbasses.” 

“Anyway, back to Mary. She’s just squeezed out the saviour of mankind who happens to be screaming like a little bitch so she dumps him in a manager, when the wise men show up, baked to hell and super distressed that there’s a screaming baby. They start emptying their pockets of everything they got, to try and bribe the baby quiet. So they’re giving this baby gold, frankincense, murr and this super nice bong which I totally stole from them. Surprisingly it works, but they’re understandably upset that there’s no pot of gold so after asking Joseph if he has any weed, they piss off back into the desert.”

“And that ladies and gentlemoose, is the story of how I got stuck with yet _another_ holy, self righteous little shit of a half brother and another example of Dad playing favourites when he really shouldn’t have. I don’t think he’d worked out by then that it always ends badly.”

There was a moment of complete silence (apart from some light snoring on Castiel’s part) before Dean announced loudly, “I fucking need another drink after that.”

As Castiel slept, and Gabriel grinned, Sam met his brother’s eyes and nodded. “I think I second that.”

Sam might not have a lot of experience with Christmas’s but if every Christmas was like this one, then he could see himself really getting use to it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully I did a good enough job of desecrating the age old story of Jesus' origin. I certainly had fun doing it.
> 
> Feel free to leave kudos and comments, feedback is always appreciated and motivates me to write more! Come and find me on Tumblr at **[Owlwithafringe](http://owlwithafringe.tumblr.com/)** , to see updates on fics or to leave me a prompt.


End file.
